So this is me trying to do something I've been trying to do for ages, losing weight, getting fit and eating healthy.
No one knows what goes on in other peoples minds so "healthy way" or "unhealthy way", is not a question for me. We all do the best we can and should not be judged by it.
I'm 21 years old
I suffer from an ED (trying to recover)
Cut-free since March 3rd '13 (before: November 5th '12 )
I'm a Vegetarian <3
Height: 5'4 feet
CW: 140 lbs
GW2: 120 lbs (Get a Tattoo!)
UGW: Happy, Healthy and Fit (105lbs?)
How I'm doing it
"Me" tags (with pics and stuff)
So I guess that this is my “story”
Hi, you can call me Sofy, but my name is not important.
These are deep issues from ever since I was a child, even though it all seem to have gotten more intense about 3 years ago. I didn’t get into the college that I wanted and so I stayed another year in school to get better grades and some extra money. You might think that that was a simple plan and it was, except that I fell into a depression. I gained a lot of weight, lost a lot of weight and gained it back again and so on. The depression took over my life. I no longer talked to my friends and avoided them at all cost no matter how hard they tried to “get in”. During that depression was when I started developing an eating disorder. It was slight at first, I just didn’t eat for some time and when I cracked and ate and it was not a big deal, but it wasn’t working. The purging began. I hated myself so much I couldn’t face a single mirror. At first crying myself to sleep was “enough” but that changed. I started to selfharm at times of emotional stress like when I gained more weight, I had fiery arguments with my dad (I’ll get to him later) or after a day with my friends.
A year after I got into college and everything seemed better, I made new friends, had good grades, etc. But my father didn’t take long to make it all come back. He constantly accused me of everything that went wrong and I was already “used” to it. But the college tuition and I never being at home was starting to get to him. He called me offensive names like “mentally retarded”, “dumb”, “fat”, that I never did anything, or anything right, that I was only studying nursing because I wasn’t good enough to be a doctor, that I choose a very expensive school on purpose, that I was wasting all of his money, that it was my fault my mom was ill, and the list goes on. My dad still constantly compares me to his friends daughters: they are smart, they are skinny, they have boyfriends, they are beautiful, they are perfect and I’m not.
All the blame just made my eating disorder actually rise even more. I didn’t care anymore about my throat or stomach, I purged every time I got anxious about eating and when there was no food evolved I selfharmed.
My mom being a sick person can’t do much around the house so I have to do most of it and it seems never to be enough. She sometimes notices that I’m on a “diet” and tells me to take care of myself, that she already has too much problems and she doesn’t need another one (she doesn’t know the half of it, that’s what I always think to myself).
I also have a younger brother, he’s my everything, I love him so much it hurts and he’s the good in me.
To make it worse I had a best friend soo skinny and beautiful and I felt so bad for all of the envy I have of her. I mean she was my best friend and I felt so guilty about all that jealousy. She’s basally perfect. I loved being with her but it was always a huge sacrifice to try and shut up those voices inside my head screaming “SHE’S SO PERFECT, LOOK AT YOU! YOU DISGUST ME, YOU FAT WHORE”.
Through it all when my eating disorder reached its fullest, as did my selfharming, I finally caved in and gave recovery a shot. I try now my best to eat, exercise and just be overall okay.
Okay this just got way longer than I first imagined, so if you have any questions just feel free to ask them! =)